You’re a Mirrorball: from Fawning to Authenticity
Learn how to Stop being everything to everyone else & start showing up to your own damn life.
You’re the shining star. The best of the best. And everyone loves you.
But do you even know who you are? You’re polite, thoughtful, and nice. Your entire personality is endlessly praised by anyone & everyone around you. The external validation is a gateway drug to your happiness. It feels good to be good. But you’re also a…
Pushover
Pathological People-pleaser
Doormat
You’re crippled by anxiety, always on alert and scanning your surroundings, hyper-vigilant to everyone else’s needs and moods, and chronically checked-out of your own life.
You’re enmeshed and can’t say no. It’s exhausting and you are resentful.
It’s you.
You’re the problem.
“I’m a mirrorball. I’ll show you every version of yourself tonight.”
Understanding Fawning
Fawning helped to keep you alive. It’s an automatic coping skill learned from a young age because you likely had to learn how to anticipate the needs of your caregiver so that you would get your own physical or emotional needs met. It’s a superpower, really.
You learned to prioritize others' needs and suppress your own to get what you needed and avoid painful negative feelings, conflict, or rejection.
Your caregiver wasn’t able to help guide you through your own emotional experience because they were too preoccupied in their big feels. They were overwhelmed, distracted, or dissociated and so you picked up the slack to meet their needs & yours.
And now that you’re an adult, fawning shows up in your life looking like…
(1) Over-accommodating
You’re always saying yes, even when you want to say no. You apologize excessively, even when it's not your fault, and you avoid expressing your thoughts & emotions to keep everyone happy.
(2) People-pleasing
You’ll bend over backwards to make others happy, seeking validation and approval. Saying no isn’t in your vocabulary, and you end up sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of maintaining the peace.
(3) lack of confidence and assertiveness
You avoid eye contact, slouch your shoulders, and look anxious in social situations. You can’t sit still and scan every room you’re in, taking up as little space as possible.
(4) Big Resentment
Because you can’t say no and don’t assert your needs, you have big resentment. You often feel depleted but slap a smile on your face anyway, seething below the surface and rage crying in your car the whole way home.
From Fawning to Authentic Living
Fawning served you well. And it’s been an easy pass for the people in your life. You haven’t stepped on many toes, or made things uncomfy for yourself or anyone else. But you’re breaking down. You are absolutely exhausted living like this. The burnout is real. Transitioning away from fawning is a journey of self-discovery and self-compassion. Here are some practical strategies to help you find safety and authenticity:
(1) Practice self-compassion
You’ve got to start meeting your own needs. Know that prioritizing your needs is not selfish but necessary for your growth and happiness. Treat yourself with kindness, set boundaries, and forgive yourself for past fawning behaviors.
(2) Develop assertiveness skills
Learn to express your needs and boundaries assertively. Use "I" statements to communicate your thoughts and opinions. Practice saying no when it's appropriate and honor your own needs & desires.
(3) Seek therapy or support
Get yourself into therapy to explore and heal from your past childhood emotional neglect or other traumas contributing to your fawning behaviors. Attachment Based Therapy and Trauma Therapy can provide valuable tools to kick your fawning behaviors, build healthier coping mechanisms, and help regulate your big emotions you’ve been stuffing deep down.
(4) Engage in self-care
Take time for activities that nurture your physical, emotional, and mental well-being. Build in some sustainable exercise, have good sleep hygiene, journal your thoughts, pursue hobbies that bring you joy, and get in touch with that inner child that desperately needs some love and attention. Find an outlet for your resentment rage - you’ll need it.
(5) Build a supportive network
Surround yourself with understanding and supportive friends, family, or support groups. Some of your current friendships might not last because they were built off of your masking in the friendship. That’s okay. You might feel lonely at first, but push through and find people who want to get the real, authentic you. Don’t know who the real authentic you is yet? That’s also okay. You’ll find them.
Promise.
You don’t have to be everything to everyone else to receive love. I guarantee that your people pleasing is holding you back from experiencing the relationships you really crave.
By recognizing your own needs and developing healthy coping mechanisms, you can move towards safety & authenticity.
Trauma Therapy and Anxiety Therapy can help you identify your automatic coping strategies, bring you into awareness, and give you tools to self-soothe.
Hit the contact button for your free 15-minute Trauma Therapy and Anxiety Therapy consultation and learn how to become your own person, break free from chronic people-pleasing, & find validation from within.