Mother is Mothering: How to Become Securely Attached
become your own biggest cheer-leader & create the healthy relationships you want.
No hate to moms everywhere. We’re very pro-mom around here. And at the same time, those earliest relationships with mom & dad mean something.
If your caregivers were present and engaged to your earliest basic and emotional needs - then it’s likely your attachment is secure.
Your security is rooted in the fact that you could count on your caregiver consistently responding to your needs most of the time.
You didn’t have to worry about being ignored or having your needs go unmet. You knew mom & dad were going to pull through for you because they were attuned and really on top of what you needed.
On the other hand, insecure attachment happens when your caregiver didn’t - or couldn’t - pay attention to your emotional or physical needs.
And while it sucks, a lot of parents are just too overwhelmed with their own stuff - stress, big emotions, generational attachment patterns - to be present and aware enough to fully meet the needs of their children.
Or maybe your mom or dad was dismissing, angry, or simply unable to handle your emotions - because they couldn’t even handle their own emotions. As a kid, it’s scary not knowing if your needs were going to be met, so you likely developed some creative ways of getting those needs met called adaptive strategies.
Insecure attachment is when you still use those strategies in your adult relationships because deep down you believe you won’t get your needs met any other way.
What are healthy relationships anyway?
How to become securely attached & have healthy relationships
Get to the root of your past trauma or attachment wounds
Your past experiences impact your attachment style, 100%. If you’ve had trauma or attachment wounds from past relationships, it’s important to address them with a trusted Attachment Trauma Therapist who can help you safely process your attachment trauma.
Practice self-awareness
Practice mindfulness, journaling, or pull up into some Attachment Trauma Therapy to become more self-aware and better understand your emotions & reactions in relationships.
When you're aware of your triggers and tendencies, you can learn to respond in a way that feels more authentic & aligned with how you want to show up in your relationships.
Work on your communication skills
Effective communication is key in any healthy relationship. Practice active listening, speaking up for yourself, and expressing your needs & feelings in a clear and kind way.
Learning how to communicate effectively can help you build trust, create intimacy, and establish healthy boundaries.
Practice Emotional Regulation
People with secure attachment styles tend to have strong emotional regulation skills, which means they can manage their emotions in a healthy way AND communicate them effectively.
Practice identifying & labeling your emotions, find healthy ways to cope with stress & anxiety, and seek out support when you feel big emotions come to the surface.
Seek out Secure Relationships
One of the best ways to become more securely attached is to seek out relationships with other people who get it.
Surrounding yourself with supportive & trustworthy people can help you feel more secure in your relationships - and ultimately help you move into becoming securely attached over time.
Examples of how each attachment style can build secure attachment
Secure
Continue to nurture your existing relationships & practice open communication with your partners. Stay attuned to your own needs, boundaries, & emotions in relationships. Remain present & engaged in your relationships.
Preoccupied
Practice self-soothing techniques & work on building your own self-esteem. Work to develop a more balanced approach in relationships, where you check in & prioritize your own needs first before meeting the needs of others.
Avoidant
Work on challenging your fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Practice building trust with others and being more open about your emotions & needs - even if it feels awkward or uncomfy.
Disorganized
Gently work through past traumas with a trusted Trauma Therapist & learn healthy coping mechanisms for regulating emotions. Focus on building a strong support system and practicing healthy communication with others.
Becoming securely attached requires a little elbow grease on your part.
Those former adaptive strategies need your attention & reparenting to build secure attachment. YOU become the parent you never had to yourself. By practicing self-awareness, getting better at your communication skills, and learning how to emotionally regulate, you can become more securely attached & have the healthy relationships you want.
Attachment Trauma Therapy can help you get to the root of your attachment trauma & figure out your next steps to having healthier connections.
Hit that contact button to schedule your FREE 15-minute Attachment Trauma Therapy Consultation and learn more about how to have the kinds of relationships you crave & deserve!