Stage 5 Clinger or Ghost (boo)?: Get to Know Your Attachment Style

Before you can change your attachment style & build healthier relationships, you gotta know what you’re working with.

Attachment styles are patterns of behavior and emotional responses formed in childhood from our very first relationships with mom or dad. These initial relationships shape how we relate to everyone else in our adult life.

Do you ghost on the regular?

Have you sworn off romantic relationships for good because you’re terrified of getting your heart broken?

But do you check your phone every 5 seconds anyway to see if they texted back?

ARe you securely attached?

Secure attachment is all about feeling safe & supported in your relationships.

You can express yourself freely and openly, while also being responsive to your friends & partner's emotions and needs.

Secure attachment fosters trust & understanding, and creates a strong foundation for lasting and stable connections.

Are you insecurely attached?

If you find yourself struggling to form OR keep healthy relationships, you may be insecurely attached. You avoid intimacy or become overly clingy in your relationships.

Your insecure attachment can stem from a lack of trust or unresolved trauma, and makes it difficult to express your needs and wants in your relationships.

Insecure attachment is a shady b*tch and will tell you that that you’re unlovable and unworthy in your relationships.

Let’s get clear on your attachment style.

By Identifying your attachment style you can understand your relationships better & work towards building healthier connections.

The best way to hone in on your attachment style is by reflecting on your OWN responses in your relationships. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

(1) How comfortable am I expressing my emotions and needs to others?

Secure: I’m super comfortable letting people know what I need & want. Even if other people can’t meet my needs, I know I can meet them for myself. I am able to express my emotions freely, and don’t feel self-conscious doing so.”

Preoccupied: “I can’t express my true emotions to others because I’m constantly scanning to see how I should feel based on other people’s emotions. I feel bad communicating my needs to other people because I don’t want to be a burden.”

Avoidant: “I handle my own emotions & needs and have a hard time discussing my true feelings with others. I’m literally an awkward turtle and have some social anxiety when expressing my feelings, so I’ll just change the subject to something more fun or low-key.”

Disorganized: “I have big mood swings and can come in hot with my emotions. I have a hard time knowing what I want or need because I’m so overwhelmed and flooded with emotions.”

(Q) How do I handle conflict or difficult emotions in my relationships?

Secure: “I know that conflict is a natural part of every relationship. I can express my concerns and boundaries in relationships without feeling bad.”

Preoccupied: “I will make everything okay by anticipating everybody else’s emotions before conflict arises. If someone has a problem with me, I ruminate, become very anxious, and try to get them to like me again. I can’t have people not like me.”

Avoidant: “Conflict? There can’t be any conflict if I get out of the relationship first. I ghost or pretend the conflict does not exist and shove those uncomfy emotions DEEP down.”

Disorganized: “I will likely have a big trauma response when in conflict. I will either dissociate (freeze, numb, zone out, etc.) or fight you. I could yell and scream and lose control of my emotions (blackout), or check-out completely, frozen in fear. I cannot handle conflict because it’s too scary and big.”

(Q) How do I feel when my partner or friend wants to spend time alone or with others?

Secure: “I know a healthy relationship means spending time together and time apart. I support my friends or partner having other hobbies or friendships outside of our relationship because I feel safe and secure in our relationship together.”

Preoccupied: “I am a stage 5 clinger and need to be with my friends or partner at all times. I have severe FOMO and feel hurt and betrayed when those I’m closest to do things without me.”

Avoidant: “I tell myself that I like being alone. I don’t like to make waves, and so if my friends or partner want to do something without me, that’s fine (everything’s fine). Even if I want to be included, I will act as if I do not care and hermit at home. Alone.”

Disorganized: “I feel BIG rejection and have DEEP distrust when my partner or friend wants to spend time alone or with others. Is my partner cheating on me? Are my friends talking shit about me behind my back? I feel paranoid and abandoned.”

(Q) How do I feel about being close to others?

Secure: “I like close relationships! I value intimacy and connection in all of my relationships.”

Preoccupied: “I NEED to have others THINK and BELIEVE that we are close. I am enmeshed in my relationships and will chameleon into whatever someone else wants or needs to make them feel close with me.”

Avoidant: “I feel awkward when I’m physically and emotionally close to people. Intimacy is a bit much for me, and I’d rather keep it surface level in my relationships. It’s hard to open up because I think deep down I fear possible rejection in close relationships.”

Disorganized: “I’m hot & cold - I want close relationships but I have so much fear of them. I will become overly attached in my relationships and then suddenly pull away and distance myself. I don’t have many close friends because I burn bridges easily. I can also be mistreated in relationships because my self-esteem is low.”

(Q) How do I handle rejection in my relationships?

Secure: “Rejection sucks! I feel sad, mad, and hurt when I’ve been rejected in my relationships, but I’m able to process those feelings and empower myself to keep making new connections and relationships.”

Preoccupied: “I won’t let you reject me. I’ll be everything you’ve ever needed so you won’t ever leave me. I’m literally going to morph into the perfect person and make you stay but be resent you for the rest of eternity.”

Avoidant: “Rejection who? I leave other people before they can leave me. I can’t tolerate rejection, so I have to protect myself first.”

Disorganized: “What is wrong with me? Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend? Why am I unloveable? I’m a bad person. I don’t deserve to be in relationships with other people. I don’t want to be alive anymore.*”

* if you’re struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, contact 911 or the national suicide lifeline at 988.

Reflecting on your OWN answers to these questions can help you identify your attachment style. Which style resonates most with you based off of your answers to the questions?

Do you notice any patterns?

Can you spot your own response in the examples given?

It’s never too late to uncover how your attachment style might be affecting YOU & your relationships. So whether you're looking to improve your current relationships or want to create healthier ones in the future, taking the time to understand your attachment style is ALWAYS worth it.

Need a non-judgmental place where you can sort out some of your attachment history & style?Attachment Trauma Therapy can also help you figure out your attachment style - especially if you’re having trouble pin-pointing some of the answers to the questions above.

Hit that contact button to schedule your FREE 15-minute Attachment Trauma Therapy Consultation and learn more about how to have the kinds of relationships you crave & deserve!