36 Things I Learned Before 36
Your official unsolicited advice from A licensed clinical psychologist & Gemini.
I don’t really feel like I’ve lived a lot of life. How can I be approaching middle age and still feel like I’m too young to be an adult? Deep down, I still feel like a kid waiting for my parents to step in and take the reins.
Can I at least get a little bit of supervision? Who is the adult of the adults in charge here?
I don’t think we ever really grow up.
We spend most of our adult lives walking around enacting - or trying not to enact - our deepest childhood wounds. We’ll likely make the same mistakes over and over again until we learn the lesson, gain some new awareness, and rewire a new path forward.
It’s hard work, this stumbling ahead.
36 Things I Learned at 36
There is no “best path” to take in life. Pick something, or pick multiple somethings - it doesn’t really matter. Prioritize the things that make you happy & fulfilled and don’t compromise them for anything.
Capitalism is cruel and unfair. You did not earn your success, you just got lucky in your set of circumstances - even if you worked hard for all that you have.
Everything is made up. Humans literally just made up how to live along the way and that’s how we operate now. “That’s just the way things are” is a lazy argument. Question why things are the way they are. Dream and scheme better things into existence for yourself and others.
You will not burn in hell for all of eternity just because you do not believe in a specific interpretation of a specific religion. You are free to remove yourself from harmful belief systems, even if it is uncomfortable for other people in your life.
You can change your mind. As many times as you want. Sunk cost fallacy states that an individual will stay in a bad situation because they’ve invested a great deal of money or time, thus making it hard to leave. Change your career, break up with that bar-on-the-floor partner, or dye your hair pink. You’ve only got one life here on earth. Don’t waste one minute of it.
Two things can be true at the same time. Your experience and feelings are valid AND so are the experiences and feelings of the other person.
Scarcity will keep you stuck in anxiety and jealousy. Abundance roots for everyone’s big success. “Karma takes all my friends to the summit.” - Taylor Swift.
You don’t have to be nice. Your people pleasing is only harming yourself and keeping you from having the authentic relationships you crave. You can be kind, but you don’t have to be nice.
You’re not at fault for your generational trauma but you are responsible for your own healing so you don’t repeat the same patterns in your relationships.
You are resentful of other people because you can’t say no. Create and hold firm in your boundaries. Trust that other people will let you know what they need, when they need it. Focus on meeting your own needs.
Other people’s negative or critical responses to you rarely have anything to do with you - unless you are actually being a jerk. Most of the time, people project or displace their emotions onto safe people & interactions.
Single, child-less women are the happiest people on the planet. Do with that information what you will.
Boring isn’t always bad. If you’ve had a traumatic or chaotic childhood, safety and security in your relationships might feel boring.
Go to bed angry. Don’t try to work things out when you’re tired, hungry, or overstimulated. Take a break and go to bed. You’ll wake up with a clear mind, ready to communicate better in conflict.
Find your soul dog and learn the meaning of true unconditional love. We do not deserve dogs or their unconditional love.
The bystander affect is real and will gaslight you into thinking you shouldn’t speak up. Speak up, even if it’s uncomfortable. Deviate and dissent from the norm if the norm is harming other people.
Keep your unsolicited advice and criticism to yourself. Allow the other people in your life the opportunity to make mistakes, be messy, and live their own lives. Don’t try and change anyone. It’s not your responsibility. Work on your own self-healing and growth. You’ll attract the kind of people you want in your life that way.
Love is love, gender affirming care is necessary, Black Lives Matter, & abortion is healthcare. Just because something is a law does not make it humane or okay.
If your religion, belief system, or institution teaches against the equal human rights of all people (#18), then you're in a cult. You cannot “agree to disagree” on human rights.
Build a community of people that you like. You get to choose who you want to spend time with, so don’t waste time in friendships or relationships that aren’t aligned with your values or make you feel bad about yourself.
Protect your peace. You’re going to do a lot of things in this life. It’s a marathon, so give yourself permission to rest and not rage respond to every one of your dad’s facebook memes. Block anything and everything on social media that contributes to your worsening mental health.
Buy a heated blanket or heating pad for each room of your house. Set your thermostat to 74. Life is too short to be physically uncomfortable and cold.
Make the mistakes. You can fail and still be a good & competent human. Don’t beat yourself up over trying. You might not succeed at everything you do, but give yourself the chance to try anyway.
Connect with your inner child and play. Jump on the bed, eat the whole box of fruit roll ups, stay up way too late, catch the lightening bugs (but let them go gently this time), rewatch Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, cannonball into the water, order the dessert with dinner. Do the things your parents told you not to do and heal your inner child.
The system is broken, you are not. Have a lot of compassion for yourself because life can be traumatic and you are doing your best in the circumstances you were given.
Outsource. Create a high-maintenance-routine-for-a-low-maintenance-lifestyle. Instead of getting caught up in the busy, prioritize self-care above anything else in your life.
You will get scammed at least once in your life. At some point you will purchase what you think is a mid-2000s brand new iPod off of Ebay for $30. You will not, in fact, ever receive that brand new iPod in the mail. It’s okay. Feel the shame, dust yourself off, have respect for the hustle, and move forward. If something is too good to be true, then it’s definitely too good to be true.
Listen to your body. Are you thirsty? Hungry? Do you need to stretch your legs? Go to the bathroom? Go do it. Now. Nothing is as important as meeting your own basic needs.
Create memorable moments from the mundane. Dance in the grocery store aisles or sing the made up songs to your dog. Create your own joy wherever you go.
Your enmeshment is harming you. Find your for-life person (or persons - life is too short to stay in unhappy relationships), make the friends, or have the kids. But don’t get lost in the we. You are your own whole person. Get to know your own likes, dislikes, and needs so you can communicate them confidently in your relationships. You matter, too.
It’s okay to get sick and rest. Your job is not that serious. Nothing is more important than your health and wellbeing. Take the sick day. You are the only one that has to live your life in your body. Treat it with all of the kindness and love it deserves.
Don’t choose to suffer in situations where you don’t have to. Life is hard enough. Move away, drop the relationship, get a new job. You don’t have to suffer willingly to be a good person. Take as many good moments as you can, and don’t feel bad about it.
You’re not lazy for sleeping in. You do not need to wake up early to be successful. Listen to your body’s natural circadian rhythm and live your life accordingly.
Take the compliment & accept the gift. Stop gatekeeping other people’s generosity and joy. Find ways to self-soothe your inner critic and hypervigilance so you can accept the love you deserve.
Go to therapy. Figure out your shit so you stop projecting all over the people around you. Do something about your big feelings, avoidance, dissociation, anxiety, depression, and burnout.
Stay until the end. Don’t pack up your lawn chairs early and speed walk to your car only to miss the best parts of the firework finale just because you want to beat the traffic home. Get stuck in the traffic. Enjoy every last minute of the concert, movie, or firework finale. You’ll never regret the memories you make by staying in the present moment.
I know we’re all just out here fucking up, learning big lessons, growing, & trying our best while cruising around on a giant rock through space.
You’re doing great.
Need to circle back to #35 and process your own deeper stuff holding you back? #30 & #32 feeling a bit too real? Hit that contact button for your free 15-minute Trauma Therapy and Anxiety Therapy consultation. It’s time to unpack your shit and write your own list.