Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong People: Understanding Your Attachment Style
The real reason Your relationships are dumpster fires🔥
Why are you repeatedly drawn to toxic people who suck the life out of you?
Why are all of your relationships messy AF?
why Are you settling for less than you deserve in your relationships?
One explanation?
Your Attachment Style.
Attachment theory suggests that your behaviors in relationships are shaped by your early childhood attachment experiences with your primary caregivers (mom & dad). What does this mean, exactly? The way your caregiver responded to your emotions and needs during childhood affects how you approach & act in relationships today.
TLDR?
Your attachment style was formed in your childhood & explains why you do the things you do in your relationships with friends & your partners.
Let's take a closer look at each of these attachment styles & how they might impact your relationships.
The four Attachment styles
Can you spot your attachment style based on the descriptions below? Read over the 4 Attachment Styles listed & see which one resonates best.
(1) Secure Attachment
Secure baddies feel confident, have healthy boundaries & express their needs in relationships.
Do you…
have positive early experiences with your caregivers where you felt loved, safe, and had your emotional & physical needs met consistently?
feel satisfied & fulfilled in your relationships?
have healthy conflict resolution skills?
find it easy to trust people?
recognize and express your emotions & needs openly in a healthy way?
feel comfortable & at ease in your relationships (you don’t fear abandonment or rejection)?
feel like you have healthy, balanced, and stable relationships?
If you’ve answered “yes” to a majority of these questions, you likely have SECURE attachment. Your relationships are healthy & your emotions are regulated.
You’re out here using your boundaries, making your needs known, and not giving any effs while doing it.
(2) Preoccupied Attachment
Preoccupied gorwls crave intimacy & connection but have BIG anxiety in their relationships.
Do you…
have early childhood experiences where your caregivers were inconsistent & unpredictable in meeting your needs?
fear abandonment & rejection?
have lowered self-esteem?
have intense emotional responses?
look for reassurance and validation in relationships?
put other people’s needs before your own, leading to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction?
struggle to regulate your emotions when stressed out or in conflict?
act clingy in relationships causing your friends or partners to feel overwhelmed or suffocated?
struggle with jealousy and possessiveness?
people-please, lack a sense of your own personal identity, or not have your own boundaries?
If you’ve answered “yes” to a majority of these questions, you likely have PREOCCUPIED attachment. You can’t help it, you love hard & have big feels. You have a lot of anxiety in your relationships, and fear rejection if you insert your own needs & boundaries - so you don’t.
You’re good at mirror-balling into what everyone else wants & needs, but can’t ever seem to get your own needs met.
(3) Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant queens value their independence & are uncomfortable with intimacy.
Do you…
have early childhood experiences where your caregivers were absent & you had to fend for yourself?
feel uncomfortable with intimacy & vulnerability?
downplay or dismiss your own emotions?
withdraw or shut down in conflict?
rely on yourself for emotional support?
fear being dependent on others?
have a fear of commitment?
feel weird when others express their emotions?
fear being suffocated or engulfed by your your relationships?
have trouble making friends & maintaining fulfilling, meaningful relationships?
If you’ve answered “yes” to a majority of these questions, you likely have AVOIDANT attachment. Head in sand all day, everyday. Nobody’s heard from you in months (catch that Taylor Swift throw back?).
You stay out of conflict & your relationships stay stuck, just like your emotions, at surface level.
(4) Disorganized Attachment
Disorganized girlies have some big fears about relationships, often stemming from early childhood trauma.
Do You…
have early childhood experiences of physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by your caregiver?
vacillate between extreme closeness or extreme distance in your relationships, with no in-between?
have intense mood swings?
suppress your emotions until you explode?
have very low self-esteem & self-image?
deeply distrust other people & the world?
have difficulty forming relationships because intimacy feels scary & dangerous?
find yourself acting erratic & unpredictable in relationships?
have an extreme fear of rejection?
dissociate regularly (go numb, zone out, feel like things aren’t real around you)?
have intrusive thoughts about self-harm during conflict?
If you’ve answered “yes” to a majority of these questions, you likely have DISORGANIZED attachment. You’ve experienced some really scary stuff from people who were supposed to protect you and keep you safe.
You survived like the absolute baddie you are, but relationships are really confusing for you. Your trauma makes it really hard to form healthy relationships in adulthood.
Understanding your attachment style
Your attachment style might be able to tell you why you’re drawn to certain types of friendships or partners & why you might struggle in certain aspects of your relationships. By understanding your attachment style, you can untangle your messy relationship patterns & build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
You can become more securely attached & create the kinds of relationships you want.
Attachment trauma therapy can help you identify your attachment style and how it’s impacted your relationships. In attachment trauma therapy, you’ll learn the tools to help you become more securely attached.
Ready to ditch your messy relationships & have more meaningful relationships?